Top
Ten Reasons Halloween Makes You Horny
10.
Scary Movies
-give you a chance to snuggle and feel up your
partner.
9.
Pumpkins Side By Side
-make you think of great big tits.
8.
Black PUSSY Cats
--'nuff said.
7.
Chocolate
-can be melted and drizzled all over a body.
And licked off.
6.
Hay Bales
-are great to hide behind and fuck doggy style
in the moonlight.
5.
Lolly Pops
-great practice for sucking.
4.
Full Moons
- makes you want to grab her by the ass.
3.
Cold Weather
- hard nipples, of course!!
2.
Costumes
-Sexy little nurse costumes, sexy little vampire
costumes, sexy little maid costumes....
And
the NUMBER ONE reason Halloween Makes you Horny:
1. After she does little TRICKS
for you in bed, you can TREAT
her to your great big
HALLOWEENIE
!
Why Halloween is
better than Sex:
1. You're sure to get at least a little
something in the sack.
2. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and
go at it again.
3. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get
some.
4. You don't have to compliment the person who
gives you some.
5. It's O.K. when the person you're with
fantasizes you're someone
else, because you are.
6. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy
candy.
7. If you don't like what you get, you can
always go next door.
8. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you
moaning and groaning.
9. Less guilt the morning after.
10. You can do the whole neighborhood..
TOP 10 HALLOWEEN THINGS THAT
SOUND DIRTY BUT AREN'T:
10. She's a goblin!
9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack.
8. Let me see your bag.... OH!-You're having a great
night!
7. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
6. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch.
5. If you just lick it, it'll last longer.
4. Show me your JuJuBees and I'll let you see my Zagnuts.
3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth.
2. You scared me stiff!
1. He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!
THE TOP 15
COMPLAINTS OF MODERN DAY VAMPIRES
15. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the
undead.
14. Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.
13. Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your
fangs.
12. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time
11. Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck
yelling, "Look Ma! It's Elvis!"
10. After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to
find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom
of coffin.
9. After 100 years of trying, still can't score with
Elvira.
8. No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.
7. With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior
highs are suddenly off-limits.
6. No warm blood for miles around DC.
5. Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.
4. No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.
3. Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized
"hardbodies."
2. Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.
1. Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.
The Top 12
Scariest Halloween Costumes
12. Al Gore Disco Fever Costume
11. Positive Home Pregnancy Test
10. Jacko-Lantern
9. Marge Schott's Less Attractive, Slightly More Racist
Sister
8. Evil British Nanny
7. Janet Reno Little French Maid Outfit
6. Male Pattern Baldness
5. Guy Who Ate Too Much Olestra
4. Flaming Tofu Burrito from Hell on a Stick
3. President Jesse Helms
2. Marv Albert, Warrior Princess
1. Mighty Menstruatin' Power Ranger
Top Ten Signs The Ghosts In Your House Don't Give A Damn
10. There's a Post-It on freezer that reads "boo."
9. Message in blood on mirror reads: "Please get HBO."
8. When you're away, ghosts answer phone, take messages --
don't give them to you.
7. Mysterious voice tells you to, "Get out now...or
don't...it's really up to you..."
6. They give you tape of "The Shining" to watch while they
summer in Hamptons.
5. They pick up pace a week before Christmas, hoping for a
tip.
4. Spirit asks if he can use you as a reference for job
interview at Disneyland.
3. Only thing they can think of is to ring your doorbell and
run away.
2. The only things they make disappear are the bottles of Bud
in your refrigerator.
1. Always the same excuse: "We don't have to do anything,
we're dead."
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